Day 42

Yesterday was a running day for the ladies of our family.
Half-marathon: Both Kkokkos, Nancy and Me
10K: Joy
5K: Umma, Sheena, Kaitlyn, Audrey

I actually got my PR yesterday!
Even though the Mermaid people messed up a bit with the course...
My recorded time was 2:12:22 but if I were to add 7 min which would be average for the distance lost, it'd be about 2:19:00ish. My half PR was 2:24 something which was actually the Mermaid Run 3 years ago and my first half marathon ever, so I was quite happy about that. I was worried about this race, because I had developed some knee pain just two days before, but with the knee brace, 3tabs of ibuprofen and music to distract me I ran pretty comfortably and could feel myself being faster than I normally am.

Today's weigh-in: 155.4 - went up because we ate Sweet Tomatoes after the raace and had Panda for dinner... even though I was having GI pains all day after the race and even went to bed super early because of it.

Intake today was high... we partially celebrated Mother's day but mostly celebrated Shannon's acceptance to UCSD. We are sooo happy for her.

I don't really like sharing my feelings, especially in public but here goes..

The night went well until the end where it ended up being another cryfest for me... I don't like being sensitive, crying and the focus of attention, I guess despite this thick, tough wall I guard myself with, I'm a sensitive, insecure baby inside. It's embarassing that I have to go through this so much. However, I am thankful for the people around me who love me enough to help me change myself even though I whine, cry and bicker.
With Kkokko and Uncle Matt's help we created a new plan for me. For the next two weeks I have to be super seriously strict with what I eat, because my problem is I love to snack and end up nibbling so much that it adds up or binging. I can be super good for 2 weeks, right? Don't be so weak Susan -_-

Ugh, I hate having to go through this re-evaluation thing so much and having to bring in others into my situation, but I really need to lose the weight and keep it off. Because no matter what, I know mentally I will never fully feel good about myself until I'm thin and even though I don't like to admit it, I don't want to always have to compare myself to everyone and feel inferior because I'm fat.

Tomorrow will be a new start. If I really want something to happen, I need to just do it and do whatever it takes to get ther. This has been a driving force for so many aspects in my life... it's so simple!!! But why must it be so hard in this case?? I irritate myself.